Have you found yourself in a long-distance love affair? Relegated to Skype calls and webcam chats, there are no snuggly evenings on the couch for you and your loved one, no cuddles or caresses, no sensation of their tongue dancing that lover's tongue tryst twist against yours.
Wait, scratch that. Yes in fact now you can experience that sensation, even from a distance. Thank you, Japanese researchers.
Tis true. Researchers at the Kajimoto Lab in Tokyo have devised the profoundly creepy “Kiss Transmission Device”, which may just rock your long-distance relationship world.
At this early stage of the Technology-Going-Where-Only-Tongues-Have-Gone-Before game, the device is basically just a straw attached to a box that you stick in your mouth and waggle it around with your tongue in your best effort for, you know, making out with a straw and pretending it's your little long-distance love bunny. The box transmits it to the second box elsewhere, Love Bunny's own straw gives her all the tactile pleasure of your mouth minus the coffee breath, and you save the cost of airfare.
Well maybe not quite yet. But these Japanese fellows have big plans for their new toy, including possibly attempting to re-create the “sense of taste, the manner of breathing and the moistness of the tongue.”
Ew?
Of course it goes without saying what kind of add-on packages would inevitably quickly follow suit once the technology can duplicate such re-creations of the sensations of the remotely-controlled tongue...
Odder yet, you can record and store the “kiss information”. Meaning you can relive that kiss over and over on those cold and lonely nights. K getting decidedly more creepy. But it gets worse.
One of the glorious untapped markets that some of the visionaries behind this bizarre gadget (which I can already see in my mind's eye down the road in 20 years won't be considered bizarre at all...) is – get this – having celebrities record their kiss and offering it to fans.
I can also see this now: 586 million preteen girls clutching their teenybopper magazines in one hand and their Kiss Transmission Device in the other, tears streaming from their closed eyes down their ecstasy-filled faces, and all their minds screaming, “Oh Bieber, I always knew you'd be this good!”