Ten emergency jokes no comedy writer should ever be without

New from Yakrap Publishing: The Big Book of Emergency Jokes!

Behold, fine upstanding advocates of ‘humour’, for there is a new product which may one day save your wretched life. Whenever you’re up on stage being heckled and pelted by rotten fruit, whenever you’ve been bunking off at the Tree and Crown and need a cheap laugh for Eastenders at short notice, there is an answer.

Compiled by experienced comedologists, Yakrap’s Big Book of Emergency Jokes is a weighty directory of humour on subjects from aardvarks to Zygaenidae (that’s an entomological family of moths, incidentally) no self-respecting comedian should be without.

You want a quick taster? Oh, go on then. Here’s the ten most popular subjects for emergency humour, hand picked by authors of The Big Book of Emergency Jokes 2^nd Edition. We would have quoted the limited-run first edition but the only surviving copy is lost, presumably propping up a wonky pub table leg somewhere.

1. Lactose intolerance. It’s estimated those who suffer from this to any degree are in a small minority and aren’t likely to be too offended when you wave your yoghurt in their face.
2. Manchester rain. Can be an example of a positive stereotype as the sky is usually deathly dull up north and rain is rather exciting by comparison.
3. Windows/Mac feud. The greatest irony is that Acorn computers knock them both into a cocked hat – the more powerful systems can calculate pi to 14 digits and load Manic Miner in less than fifteen minutes.
4. The phrase “anthropomorphic geriatric hippopotamuses”. It may not have any effect, but really is fun to say. Can be recited slowly allowing you to beat a hasty exit from stage, theatre and town, leaving only next morning’s papers to be endured.
5. Overpaid sports stars. As their pay packet increases, so their performances worsen. Olivier Kapo earns far more than George Best ever did, and that’s almost enough to drive you to drink.
6. Taking the mickey out of audience members, usually those arriving late or heading to the toilet. It might not be funny, but will scare the crowd just enough for them to stop heckling you for about five minutes.
7. The purpose of 3D television is defeated as no matter how much you move your head to the side, you will never be able to see underneath the newsreader’s desk.
8. Government conspiracies. Modern bureaucracy generally refers to the manufacture of mahogany computer desks and the decision on whether to include a cup holder.
9. Mobile phones. By the time you’ve learned to cope with the latest iPhone it’s already been obsolete for years, before you’ve actually even made a phone call with the thing.
10. Computers. Why are floppy disks no longer floppy and compact disks no longer compact? And why don’t computer chips go very well with salt and vinegar?

Yakrap’s Big Book of Emergency Jokes is on sale now from all bad bookstores and the odd back alley magazine stall.