Source: Bin Laden found via Playstation Network
Friday, May 6, 2011 at 10:26PM
The location of Al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden was pinpointed thanks to information gleaned from stolen Playstation Network personal details, a source indicates. Though Playstation North America have blamed online vigilante group Anonymous for the recent hacking of over one million PSN accounts, our contact can reveal the United States Military are the genuine perpetrators.
US Armed Forces have been monitoring worldwide use of the Playstation Network for over four years, keeping a particularly close eye on activity in the Halo, Call of Duty and Medal of Honor multiplayer rooms. Officials were alerted last week when a new player calling himself ‘Da Al Qaeda Mastah’ appeared in the Call of Duty Black Ops online lounge. Hired nerds were given permission to hack the details of ‘as many users as possible’ when the player began to taunt American users with anti-Western sentiment.
Our informant understandably does not wish to be named, so we shall not tell you he is Major Robert Freegun of Amarillo, Texas:
"We kind of knew it was him, but weren’t certain of his location. In his profile, he claimed to be from Saudi Arabia but we couldn’t be fully sure until we gained access to every PSN account in Eurasia. It took a long time, some three days, but we did it for the sake of our great nation and all those who perished in 9/11."
Once it had been ascertained that bin Laden was hiding in Abbottabad, Pakistan, it was just a case of taking him out. US President Barack Obama, known to be an ardent CoD enthusiast, headed to his gaming room (pictured above) for a spot of ‘hunt the terrorist’. He waited seven hours for Da Al Qaeda Mastah to join the lounge before challenging him to a one-on-one showdown to the death, but just as Obama was about to deliver the fatal blow, his opponent’s connection was cut. It was at this moment that US forces ambushed bin Laden’s mansion and began a 40-minute shootout that would ultimately lead to his death.
Shortly after 3.30 UTC on 2 May, Barack Obama boasted via social networking site Twitter:
"Aw yeah I hav kiled The al qeda master! I am not drunk"
It was later confirmed by proper news websites that Obama was indeed intoxicated and the US Military had exterminated bin Laden. Freegun, erm, I mean our source, was keen to stress the battle is not over, however:
"For as long as the Playstation Network and third person shooters exist, there will be online terrorists harassing innocent civilians. You can rest easy in the knowledge we shall remain ever vigilant in our war against flamers and trolls.”
Reader Comments (1)
Oh no, some video game developers seem to have read this article!