Canadian Music’s Black Widow?

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger from Nickelback are engaged, and I couldn’t be happier. Why? Well, it’s not out of some good-natured hope for their wellbeing—I think these two people are two of the worst music artists in the world. There is a lot of great Canadian music out there, but it is by no means represented by these horrid artists. No, my happiness stems from the fact that this marriage may just mean the end of Nickelback.

You see, Avril Lavigne’s last husband was Deryck Whibley, from a little band called Sum 41. Remember them? Perhaps from some place deep in your past? Maybe you do and maybe you don't, but the fact is that Deryck Whibley is barely over 30 and yet his musical career is all but over. He’s had very little notable musical activity since he married Avril in 2006. Playing on a Tommy Lee record isn’t exactly a step up for anyone. If Sum 41 is still together, they’re playing state fairs and high school dances.

This is the only example to draw from, but am I alone in hoping that Avril Lavigne is establishing a pattern here, and that she may become the black widow of Canadian music, swallowing up the careers of other terrible artists as she goes? I can’t think of a better way for a crappy artist to go than to be engulfed by the wiles of another crappy artist. She and Chad can lie in bed like John and Yoko, drug it up like Sid and Nancy, or cruise the world like Captain and Tennille—anything but make music. Lord, these two artists have had their time and then some. If you were convinced they were robots back in 2002, what must you think now of their suspicious longevity? Is the world this backwards?

I have a dream, and it is this: that Avril Lavigne turns her sights on Pierre Bouvier from Simple Plan next. And what about the guy from Three Days Grace? Are they still around? I’m sure there are others that I’m forgetting. Round ‘em up, Avril!