Royal wedding crashers should expect a frosty reception

Anti-royalist and pro-democracy protestors attending Friday’s royal wedding can expect a “robust” response, Scotland Yard says. Exactly what this will involve is still open for debate, but reports suggest weapons such as water pistols filled with lukewarm tea and four-day-old cream cakes may be utilised by riot police.

Scotland Yard chief Alf Hart is typically loose-lipped over such speculation:

“While it is true we conceded most of our conventional weapons to a recent arms amnesty, we haven’t quite reached the stage where impromptu projectiles will be required. However, given that protestors will be similarly armed, it would be foolish to completely rule out the use of discarded street party paraphernalia just yet.”

Among the groups expected to cause trouble is the infamous “The Queen is a Big Fathead” party, which will no doubt take the opportunity to hurl insults such as ‘get a real job’ and ‘your dad has a big nose’ at the royal couple. In response, police have secured the services of comedian Michael McIntyre, who shall travel slightly ahead of the royal motorcade and provide a ‘witty’ retort to any such abuse.

“Mr McIntyre’s insults are so bad, QBF members will simply lose the will to live and immediately return to their places of residence and/or punch themselves in the face,” Hart claims. “I defy anyone to watch just one episode of ‘Live at the Apollo’ and not slip into semi-depression.”

The royal bride-to-be will be immune to McIntyre’s ‘scathing personal attacks’, locked safely in her 1977 Rolls Royce Phantom fitted with sound proof glass and a DVD player to drown out the noise of the outside world. MTV’s Pimp My Ride was originally approached to carry out the improvements, but recent budget cuts forced the Royal Family to dabble in a spot of DIY, according to Royal biographer Robert Freegun:

“Prince Philip broke out his trusty toolbox and got to work, appropriating some old munitions supplies to fashion a mounted cannon and steel-plated tyre guards to help prevent drive-by insults. He’s already road tested it in the grounds of Balmoral Castle, bothering the odd cow and trampling a few speed limit signs in the process.”

The official unveiling of the revamped vehicle, which will transport Kate Middleton to Westminster on her wedding day, will take place early on Friday morning. Attendees are, however, advised to wear bullet-proof vests and crash helmets just in case.