The Gigg’s up, Ryan: MP makes mockery of super injunction

House of Commons MP John Hemming has named Ryan Giggs as the footballer at the centre of a gagging order placed upon the national media. That Giggs took out a super injunction isn’t a new accusation, as hundreds of thousands of Internet users have been circulating bawdy jokes regarding the Welshman, who is alleged to have indulged in extra-marital activity with former Miss Wales Imogen Thomas, for almost two weeks now.

An estimated 700,000 Twitter gossip-mongers simultaneously began to pee their pants in terror when Giggs threatened to sue each and every one of them, resulting in the largest upsurge in underpants sales since the Great Sweetcorn Curry Binge of 2008. They needed not worry, as it transpired, for Hemming will no doubt be the new focus of attention as the press scramble for each and every new scrap of information on the case.

 “I have people knocking on my door all hours of the night: news reporters, bloggers, random homeless people begging for a tenner… the Liberal Democrats have never been so popular.” – MP John Hemming

Alf Hart, Professor of Sociology at Hindley University, claims the Twitter suit is the “stupidest idea since Manchester City’s signing of Mario Balotelli.” In an interview with Bullbutter Bimonthly, Hart states Giggs “would have been better off attempting to eradicate VHS piracy than bring individual lawsuits against flat broke unfortunates with nothing better to do than post rumours on the Internet.” Considering modern VHS pirates are as common as an intelligent Premier League footballer and that learning to operate a keyboard is as easy as mashing your palm against it (what with the current level of coherence on Twitter), it's no surprise support for Hart is growing by the day.

 “These super injunctions simply don’t work. I took out a gagging order when I forgot to turn off the oven and my house burned down, but it didn’t stop those blasted firefighters from blabbing to their mates in the pub. The very next day, all 35 people in the village knew all about it. Worst £2.5 million I ever spent.” – Glynn Llangogofwerchtyn (‘Bob’), former Wales Rugby Union captain

It isn’t only Ryan Giggs who has suffered at the hands of increasing media interest surrounding his supposed infidelity. Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson became incensed when Associated Press reporter Rob Harris was so inconsiderate as to ask a question about Giggs at a recent pre-match press conference.

“It was quite a sight to behold, to witness Fergie’s head turn as purple as a blackberry and swell to three times its size. We sat there in silence for a full four minutes while they brought out the emergency chewing gum. We were able to resume shortly after, but it was one of the tensest press conferences I’ve ever attended. In retrospect, it was absolutely hilarious.” – Rob Harris, AP

In other news, the footballer who actually took out the super injunction in question is still at large, presumably living it up in London’s Soho district.

Image courtesy John Hemming, CCSA2.0