Continued Existence of World Baffles Believers

Contrary to the prediction by self-proclaimed soothsayer and attention-seeking busybody Harold Camping, the world did not end on 21 May. The news will come as a massive disappointment to many innocent Christians suckered in by elaborate advertising of ‘Judgment Day 21 May 2011’, especially those who spent their life savings in anticipation of the event.

“I sold my house, car, clothes and all my other possessions to live like Jesus would have in his final days. On Judgment Day, I sat on a hill for 24 hours to get a good view of the destruction, but nothing happened. Or at least, I don’t think it did, because I fell asleep. Anyway, now the world hasn’t ended I can’t afford a razor to shave my beard.” – Anonymous idiot

Those left disappointed the Rapture did not materialise can console themselves in the fact it is only five months away, at least according to Camping’s new prediction. Work has already begun replacing billboards and signs, which have been alarming residents of California since the erroneous prophecy. Some are reported to have immediately discarded their clothes in the belief they were now in heaven, cavorting gaily at busy intersections and local schools, much to the dismay of passing motorists and over-concerned parents.

It isn’t the first time Oakland-based Christian radio presenter Camping has made such a bold prediction. Nineteen years ago, he claimed Christ would return in September 1994 in his book, aptly titled 1994?. The sequel, 2011?, is expected to be followed by 2012?, 2013? and 2015?, with a break in 2014 to accommodate the actual end of the world.

The end of times prediction industry has been booming since 1999, when it was thought the Millennium Bug would bring about mass technology failure at precisely 00:00, 1 January 2000. Though prophecised disasters did not materialise, major news coverage sparked a series of copycat predictions, such as ‘2002: End of Coke’ which sparked a major upturn in sales of the soft drink. The 2k5 Bug also fooled at least 1,000 people into thinking they only had to buy a KFC Bargain Bucket to avoid the resurrection of a zombified Colonel Sanders.

There are those who claim the latest Rapture dates are simply publicity for God, who has been struggling to make ends meet in recent times. Many speculate Camping is simply attempting to cobble together beer money for his old mucker God, who has been CEO at Family Radio since 13.7billion BC. All shall be revealed this October, when a very sober Lord of All Creation will wreak havoc upon the world’s alcohol supplies, if the theory is to be believed.

Image reproduced under terms of Free Art License (Medhurst/Kossuth)