Baby Monkey (Going Backwards On A Pig)

Ten emergency jokes no comedy writer should ever be without

New from Yakrap Publishing: The Big Book of Emergency Jokes!

Behold, fine upstanding advocates of ‘humour’, for there is a new product which may one day save your wretched life. Whenever you’re up on stage being heckled and pelted by rotten fruit, whenever you’ve been bunking off at the Tree and Crown and need a cheap laugh for Eastenders at short notice, there is an answer.

Compiled by experienced comedologists, Yakrap’s Big Book of Emergency Jokes is a weighty directory of humour on subjects from aardvarks to Zygaenidae (that’s an entomological family of moths, incidentally) no self-respecting comedian should be without.

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C'mere, you whorey faced opossum and get your pedicure!

What the hell is this that I've just seen? Amazing on so many levels. 

 "Step 1 - Leave the opossums alone, Step 2 - Remember Step 1”

Remember...I would never make a moral judgment on a possum - and neither should you!

Russian Drink Driver Tries to Make Call with a Packet of Cigarettes

Source: Bin Laden found via Playstation Network

The location of Al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden was pinpointed thanks to information gleaned from stolen Playstation Network personal details, a source indicates. Though Playstation North America have blamed online vigilante group Anonymous for the recent hacking of over one million PSN accounts, our contact can reveal the United States Military are the genuine perpetrators.

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Steve Carell/Michael Scott: An Appreciation

In terms of laughs, in terms of dramatic substance, in terms of originality, and in terms of an amazing cast, The Office has been the best show on any of the four major American networks for years now. And I fear that its heart has been torn out.

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Royal wedding crashers should expect a frosty reception

Among the groups expected to cause trouble is the infamous “The Queen is a Big Fathead” party, which will no doubt take the opportunity to hurl insults such as ‘get a real job’ and ‘your dad has a big nose’ at the royal couple. In response, police have secured the services of comedian Michael McIntyre, who shall travel slightly ahead of the royal motorcade and provide a ‘witty’ retort to any such abuse.

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Exclusive: Britain's lost passports

According to the UK’s Identity and Passport Service, more than 10,000 passports a year are ‘thrown out with rubbish’, it has been reported. Thanks to leaked documents found in a skip round the back of the IPS offices, we can now exclusively reveal the destination of Britain’s other missing passports.

The following list comes complete with a disclaimer that some people are just plain stupid, quite possibly leaving the United Kingdom an international laughing stock. Certain government decisions, however, already achieved this long ago, so we have no qualms with reprinting the document verbatim.

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The Wind-Up.

For most of us, comedy is an amateur hobby. Something we hope to get better at, but as yet, must keep to weeknights and the occasional weekend gig. So for us, comedy festival offers the opportunity, one month a year, to be a ‘comedian’

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For Those Who Sit at Home All Day...

Once the trial of Orestes came to an end, Athena herself descended from Mount Olympus and bestowed justice upon the people of ancient Greece—and so we have TV court shows.

Like the brutal car crash that we take no pleasure in and yet cannot turn away from, court shows play on our love of the spectacle.

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